Outofshapeworthlessloser by Gracie Gold

Author:Gracie Gold [Gold, Gracie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Crown
Published: 2024-02-06T00:00:00+00:00

14

NUCLEAR MELTDOWN

I slouched on the ice, a sorry sight in my oversized black hoodie and black leggings. My uncombed hair resembled a rat’s nest, and my face was mostly makeup free. I couldn’t be bothered even to apply a swipe of my signature lipstick, CoverGirl Lip Perfection Hot 305, and just looking at my eyeliner pen exhausted me. For me, gliding onto the ice without lipstick was like a cop reporting for duty without a bulletproof vest. Makeup was part of the armor that steeled me for competition.

It was six months from my arranged date with destiny at the Olympics in Pyeongchang, South Korea, and I was, to put it mildly, a mess. For more than a year, it had been easier to deny my despair than dig down to its origins. But as summer waned, my deterioration was so pronounced, I couldn’t pretend any longer.

I saw my depression and anxiety and weight gain as the universe’s way of telling me to move along. I was being extended a cosmic vaudeville hook. It was time for me to leave the stage. Quiet exits had never really been my scene, though. Predictably, I became more sullen, more self-indulgent.

The fact that I was extended an invitation to Champs Camp, an elite pre-season boot camp, after my lackluster performances during the 2016–17 season was inexplicable. More puzzling was that I bothered to show up. My mindset was that Outofshapeworthlessloser would make an appearance, everybody would see how far gone I was, I’d get kicked off the national team, and that would be the last anybody heard of or from me. To be clear, I didn’t have a suicide plan drawn up in my head. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t at the point where I couldn’t see playing out my sad life indefinitely—maybe just until my money ran out, which wouldn’t have taken much longer.

The camp was held that year in Colorado Springs, where U.S. Figure Skating is headquartered. The mile-high altitude was the least of my worries. I hadn’t landed a clean triple in over six months, had gained over fifty pounds, and had largely sworn off basic grooming standards.

What could possibly go wrong?

I challenge you to find anybody who would truthfully say that they like Champs Camp. It’s a device employed by U.S. Figure Skating to track our progress heading into a new season. We perform our programs, and officials can see how committed (or not) we were to training during our so-called offseason. I couch it that way because are we really getting time “off” when our months between the end of one season and the start of the next are spent crisscrossing the globe doing ice shows? It is a recipe for burnout, but no matter. We are expected to show up at Champs Camp recharged and raring to go. I never looked forward to attending, but like the good little overachiever I prided myself on being, I always showed up ready and performed respectably.

For that reason alone, my August 2017 appearance raised enough red flags to line a downhill ski run.

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